I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
