I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
