Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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