I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
