I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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