i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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