yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
