I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
