You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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