finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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