i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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