So drunk its hurt
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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