I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
