You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
