Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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