The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
