Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
