sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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