Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
