There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
