the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Someone shit on the floor
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
