can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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