I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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