I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
