Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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