The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
