This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
