dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
