dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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