Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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