how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
