Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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