I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
