I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
