Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
