Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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