nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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