This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
