if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
