The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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