More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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