drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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