At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize