I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
