This is not my ceiling
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
