that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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