I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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