Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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