dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
