I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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