the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
