Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
