Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
