my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she told me i tasted like america
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
