I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
